I chose this image of a uterus shaped vase because it seems like mine is similarly fragile. So when we last saw our brave heroine (me) she had just had a transvaginal ultrasound. (OK, I'll switch to first person because 3rd is too hard.) Since then I had a colposcopy which is a biopsy of the uterus. That was pretty unpleasant and I absentmindedly scheduled a dinner party for the same evening. My Lady Doctor called two weeks later and told me that I had some low grade abnormal cells in my uterus. So high grade abnormal cells would be cancerous. My cells are two small steps away from being cancerous! That news was really shocking and depressing, but at least they hadn't progressed to malignancy yet.
So today after putting it off for several weeks because of travel or freakish period activity (yes, I did have another month long period) I had a LEEP procedure where the LD shaves the top layer of cells off of your uterus. It was very unpleasant. There were shots, lots of blood, the pinchy duck and as a special treat, the medicine that makes the bleeding stop comes out looking like diarrhea. Oh yes, and she didn't have all the supplies she wanted so several people were traipsing in and out of the room while my lady parts were displayed in their full splendor thanks to the pinchy duck. (What is the true purpose of the sheet across your lap anyway? Everything is still on display. It does not provide warmth. I think it must be to convey the false notion of modesty.)
So now all my low grade abnormal cells will be tested further. Hopefully I don't have any malignant ones. Hopefully she managed to get them all in one shot. When the procedure was over my LD thanked me for being so brave (I didn't cry or anything during the procedure).
What I am really tired of is always having to be tough. It seems like there is never a good time to just let loose and cry as much as I want. There are always children to transport or errands to run or dinners to cook. Today, in spite of having had a minor procedure, I still have to take one of my kids to the doctor and another one to sports practice. We are totally out of food so I have to go grocery shopping as well. I should also fold some laundry and clean a bathroom that really needs it. Frijoles would totally help me and is sympathetic, but he has meetings all day until the kids go to bed:(
I would love to feel like I was free to feel however I wanted to feel and not have to hide or try to change my feelings because my family or friends are around. One time one of my kids said that I would make a good robot because I have never cried in front of them. I am tired of having to hold it all in, but I have never known any other way of being. I was raised to hide my true emotions so that I would not embarrass my family or show weakness and allow people to take advantage of my weakness. Is there a "get in touch with your emotions" workshop or a "how to not be a robot" retreat I can attend?
Once again, I would love for my lady parts and problems to take an extended sabbatical somewhere far far away. Oh yeah, and the YAZ has actually made my adult acne worse!
3 comments:
Wow - that is rough. The procedure sounds awful. Have you tried stating some of your feelings outloud - either to your husband or your kids, or whoever is appropriate at the time? This might relieve some of your emotional pressure, even if you can't find a good time or place to have a big cry-session. It seems that holding it all in is really hurting you.
That sounds like a really scary experience. Pobrecita! I agree on the paper sheet farce. As for the emotional stuff, I can't think of any advice to give you--but I do agree with Chicken Little in that it seems like it is really bad for you. Maybe some counseling is in order. Has anyone actually seen the vagina monologues? I think it is on at the university here. Maybe I will see it and get in touch (not literally) with my own V. I feel ok about crying in front of my husband, but not in front of my kids. I cried in front of them when my dad died a few years ago and they seemed upset by it, not that he died because they didn't know him at all, but that I was crying. I get uncomfortable when I see men crying, even in movies or on tv. Even though in my head I know that everyone cries, it seems really strange when men cry.
I have absolutely no problem showing my feelings because it is a way to better communicate. If I'm tired, I tell so to my kids. If I feel like crying, I explain them why (and the explanation is 99% "I need some sleep or I'm exhausted because i'm sick"). I have no problem showing that I am no wonder woman and that I do my best. Being sick is a hard time, and it is normal to feel like shit. But there will be better times, and that, I am sure!
Post a Comment