I have a problem. I can not get anything from my kids unless I threaten them of being spanked, or I promise them something they would really like (like a piece of chocolate). That is how they go to bed or they tidy up the living room. When they are doing something obviously bad (like hurting their younger sibling), I have nothing better than to tell them:"Stop that immediately or you'll be spanked. I count to three, ONE, TWO, " and they usually scurry away at THREE. My problem is the following : they start doing the same thing between them, and this is obviously not right. When they tell their sibling, "if you don't come play with me, I won't let you play with my brand new birthday gift anymore". What should I do? How do you do to foster a positive atmosphere into your house? Why do people need to threaten each others? Fortunately, the relationship between Monsieur and me is based on sound grounds of love and speechless cooperation. Why can not it be the same between my children and me? And why are they so cute when they are sleeping and you forget everything!!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Threats and bribbery
Posted by hmaimai at 6:33 AM
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3 comments:
That's such a difficult situation. You want to be the nice mum but at the same time you can't have your kids walking all over you! One of the things I've used that works well is a marble jar (or whatever you have). Each child gets a jar with their name on it and when they are being good they get a marble in their jar. Then they can use their marbles for priveleges or rewards (i.e. 1/2hour of computer/T.V./vidoe game time, a special activity with mum or dad, ice cream, etc.) You decide what the marbles are worth. When they misbehave, they lose a marble. They respond to this because it's a very visual way for them to recognize their behavior and the consequences associated with it. Put the jar somewhere that they can see it every day to help them remember that THEIR CHOICES are what fills/empties it. That's the best idea I've got for you... good luck! Being a mum is MUCH harder that it looks!
I like Molly's idea. I was reading a parenting book recently which suggested that all treats - playing with their toys, watching tv, playing with friends - needs to be conditional on good behavior. Don't be afraid to take away toys and playtime if you're kids aren't cooperating. Like Molly said, help them to understand that their good choices let them play with friends and favorite toys.
I like molly's idea and have seen it work in several different friends' homes and school and church. I have also had a friend who gave her child 10 coins in the morning. Every time he threw a fit or teased a sibling or wet his pants she would take a coin away (he kept them in his pocket where he could hear them jingling all day). At the end of the day he could keep whatever pennies were left and put them in his piggy bank. At the end of the week she would take him to a candy shop where he could buy candy if he wanted to or sometimes he would save up for a toy.
I don't want to force religion on you, but often my children behave well because they want to be like Jesus. This idea is reinforced at church, when we read scriptures and pray together as a family. We really started praying and reading scriptures as a family in August and I HAVE noticed a difference in our attitudes and general behavior as a family. We have more family unity.
If you didn't want to involve religion, you could still teach them different good qualities to have like love, sharing, forgiveness, value of work, etc., We have a little family gathering called Family Home Evening once a week. We sing a church song, say a prayer share family business (each person can share something such as they got a good grade on an assignment at school, etc.,) and then have a lesson. Sometimes the lesson is related to scriptures, but often it is something like how to take better care of the environment. Once we even had a very graphic lesson on hygiene, specifically how to properly wipe yourself, using a plastic doll, some peanut butter and a toilet paper. We end with a song and a prayer. Then we have an activity like a craft or a game and then we eat a treat like cookies or we go out for ice cream.
I think that the lesson is sometimes secondary to just doing something positive together as a family. The children really look forward to it each week and sometimes help with the lesson or treat preparation. You could do something like this and leave out the prayers if you don't care to be religious.
I know how you feel. Sometimes it seems like the only way to get the kids to do something is to yell. Especially with Sassafrass. I have to ask her 5-7 to do something before she actually does it. We finally had to make the rule that if her bedroom isn't clean she cannot play with a friend or watch tv.
Good Luck!
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