So I have had a couple of bad experiences with other people's lack of commitment and consideration this summer.
I started a mother-daughter book club this summer for Sassafrass and some of her friends and their mothers. I asked about 10 mother-daughter pairs if they wanted to participate. Everyone seemed really excited about it. I said to each mother from the start that I wouldn't feel hurt if they did not want to participate, but to let me know right away. We only met three times the entire summer and only read three short children's novels. I asked everyone for their vacation schedule so that I could plan out 3 dates during the summer when everyone could meet. So the total commitment aside from the reading was 4 1/2 hours. Only three mother-daughter pairs consistently attended. The others did not read the book in time (although they had an entire month to read it each time) or had lame excuses of why they couldn't come (and always after the fact when I would run into them in town). I was really irritated because I put a lot of effort into making sure everyone knew about each book and each meeting (I set up a Mother-Daughter book club blog for goodness sake with all the information on it) and went so far as to send out reminder emails and sometimes phone calls. What I wish is that those flaky people would have just said that they couldn't commit to reading and the meetings in the first place.
Just say no if you are not interested in something. There is no shame in it. I do it all the time. My friend asked me if I wanted to try rowing this summer and I just told her I wasn't interested right away instead of saying maybe and then causing her to wonder if I was really interested or not. It is kinder to say no than to say maybe or yes and then flake on someone.
Another instance was HotDog's 5th birthday party. He had a Kung Fu Panda/Chinese theme and my mother and I put a ton of effort into his party. We invited 12, 7 said they were coming and only 3 showed up. HotDog didn't care, but I sure did. I made a Devil's Food cake from scratch and decorated it to look like a panda face. I made goodie bags out of Chinese Takeout boxes and printed thank you in Chinese on them. I went so far as to have my mom bring Chinese candy from Chinatown with her to put in the goodie bags. I filled up about 200 water balloons for the kids to throw at Tai Lung (Beau Brummel) as they chased him around the yard. My mom taught them a little lesson on all the wonderful things that were invented in China (she's a Montessori preschool teacher) and then taught them some Tai Chi. We all dressed up in Chinese clothes and we prepared some Chinese food. And only three kids showed up! I happened to see one of the kids who was invited a few days later. Her mother said, "I meant to call you about HotDog's party. I couldn't open the invitation." (It was a word document that I emailed out). She had my number. Why didn't she call? What a LAME excuse. I partially blame myself. I should have called the night before to get a head count, but I thought that might be rude or pushy, but I know now that for a summer event you really have to brand the date and time in people's brains if you want them to show up.
For Jedi's party we had to pay something like $18/kid in advance so we really needed to know ahead of time who was coming. I sent the invites out 2 weeks in advance and one of his friends never responded. I was in a pickle: should I give their spot to someone else? What if they never told me they were coming, but showed up on the day? They ended up emailing me a few days later saying they were sorry they couldn't come. That information would have been helpful BEFORE the party. We ended up letting our other children each invite a friend and paying extra for one of them which was fine, that made them happy.
I hate that this kind of stuff makes me so angry, but for those of you who know me well, you know that I put my heart and soul into my projects and parties. I think I should stop doing this because it ends up to be really disappointing because people are such flakes nowadays. I guess my problem is that I am sort of a show-off. What would be the point of making a party super cool if only my family were there to enjoy it? What is your view on this? Should I just choose my friends and children's friends more wisely (flakes need not apply)? Should I just have family birthday parties? Should I celebrate my son's half birthdays during the school year instead? Should I become a hermit? Am I crazy to let other people's flakiness ruin my events? What say you?
6 comments:
I definitely agree with you. My husband and I went through this with our wedding reception. Granted, it was partly our fault for writing RSVP Regrets Only on the invitation, but only about half the people we assumed were coming (if you don't respond, we assume you're coming) ended up showing up. We tried to estimate as best we could, but ended up paying for food for about 50 extra people. Is it really THAT difficult to send an email saying 'Hey, congrats! I can't be there.'? I wouldn't have been upset/angry/hating you for life, I promise.
I think that the night-before phone call is a good idea. During the summer, calendar time passes me by and all of the days blend into one. It might prevent disappointment.
Since I'm one of the flakey moms who didn't end up coming to the book club,I'm not sure my opinion counts but I hope you don't stop doing what you do. Your kids are so lucky to have you putting so much effort until their social well-being. I will take your advice and just say no when I question my ability to attend. It great advice. I know when I've tried to put on parties and things don't work out like I want it's a real disappointment.
I understand how frustrating that must feel. I agree that for those extra special or expensive parties, a call the day or two before would probably be a good idea. I think you can phrase it so it doesn't sound pushy (ie "I have to have a final count for the XYZ so I'm just wondering if so and so is going to be able to make it.")
I think it might be a good idea to save your energy for those completely amazing parties for people who would appreciate it. Take hotdog's birthday, for example. I'm not sure 5 year olds are the right audience for all that work, depending on your motives. I think if I had brought my son to that party, I'd say,"Whoa, hotdog is so lucky to have such a cool, creative, fun, interested, educated mom!" My son probably would've said, "Man, I love frosting and running around with other kids throwing water balloons!" One could argue, on the other hand, that if you do things excellently from the beginning, that kids will appreciate the quality and manifest that somehow in themselves. I think 5 years old might be a bit optimistic for that, though. If however, you had so much fun doing this that it wouldn't have mattered if no one showed up, then but all means, it was worth it! I get the impression this is at least part of it for you. It's a creative outlet. I love the idea of putting treats in take-out containers.
Your book club is so wonderful and if you think about it, 3 mom/daughter couples plus your own would make a great group if you weren't expecting all the others to show up. So, maybe, you could re-think your expectations. I'm sure the ones who came LOVED it and got so much out of it. How did sassafrass feel? Was she disappointed by the turn out?
The fact that the others didn't rsvp for the really expensive party is just plain lame.
Don't give up Opal! You really are unique and amazing and I'm sure you inspire loads of moms.
Thanks for all your great comments. Willow is right in that 5 years olds probably don't appreciate the ultraChineseyness of HotDog's party. I guess it was more that I was expecting 7 and only 3 showed. Flakiness really bothers me. I'm sure I have flaked on people in my life through carelessness, but currently I make a real effort to let people know if I am going to be able to attend something or not in a fairly timely manner. I think I will always call a day or two in advance to check numbers.
Sassafrass didn't care about the amount of people who showed up. And the book club went really well. It was our best ever. I made dog bone shaped sugar cookies with pink glaze and chocolate sprinkles. We had a barking contest, played dog trainer says and doggie doggie where's your bone. We also had a great book discussion. We talked about sadness, making friends, how animals can seem to have human characteristics and just how we thought the book (Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo) was so great.
I think I need a grown up book club that discusses mostly YA books, but so far most of my friends that like the same books are between 13-18. Yup, my Shelfari friend with the same taste in books is a Romanian teenager.
I think I will continue on with my same enthusiasm for parties, but be more careful about who I invite and really encourage people to rsvp. Sassafrass and Jedi at least do really appreciate all the hard work and resulting coolness.
That stinks Ms. Hass about your wedding. I know how you feel.
Ms. Jones, don't feel too bad. I quickly sussed that you would not be attending no matter what you said to the contrary. You have four kids and a husband in his residency and a tight gas budget.
I feel better, thanks for letting me blow off some steam!
Wow, I'm amazed at how you can put so much effort in such things. Apollo 12's birthday (my number 2) was like this : 8 little girls aged 5 show up, and one boy. The other boy invited shows up, cries in front the door and runs away leaving a gift behind (so much for his braveness). The girls undress, put on princess and various dressing up clothes, play fantasy stories in the garden, Apollo 12 blows the candles and they all eat happily while unpacking the gifts, play again a little and we make butterfly make up on their face, I take a picture, and when the parents show up, they come back in the house, dress back and leave without the candies we had prepared and forgot to give them. They were happy, and they had made no mess in the house. I WAS AMAZED! So easy! I think we must not put too much pressure or too much effort in things today, because it is always hard to go down, so if you go high right from the beginning, I think one day very soon you'll be in trouble to satisfy your loved ones.
Post a Comment