This columnist let her 4th grade son ride the New York City subway by himself and stirred up some controversy. Check out the article 4th Grade Subway Ride and her blog Free Range Kids.
My feelings on this are mixed. Jedi will be in 4th grade next year and I don't even know if I am going to let him ride the school bus because it is mixed with 4th grade all the way up through high school.
I grew up in a non-traditional family situation. At my dad's house on weekdays we had really strict rules: curfew, couldn't be out driving after a certain time, couldn't eat certain foods that were normal in other houses and on and on. On the weekends I would go to my mom's house and there weren't any rules over there. My mom's car only seated 5 so two of us rode in the trunk area (it was a station wagon type of car). My sister almost drowned in the ocean because we went swimming where there was a strong undertow and my mom had no idea where we were. When I lived with my mom in Hawaii she let me walk home to an empty house as a Kindergartener and a man followed me home once and was trying to get into the house while I hid under my bed. Another time she left me in a sugar cane field because I was whining and drove off. She says today that she would have left me there if my little sister hadn't been crying so long and loud for her to go back and pick me up.
My mom once dropped my sisters off on the side of a really windy freeway because they were fighting or annoying her. I rode Bay Area Rapid Transit by myself from the time I was 10 to get to my mom's on the weekends. Once a man was staring at me from across the aisle and touching himself. Actually, a lot of that kind of stuff happened to the girls in my family and it sucked! She let my older sister go to a David Bowie concert with just her friend when she was 11 and picked them up around 3 a.m. when the stadium was nearly empty.
I can't help but wonder what my life would be like had I been a little less neglected by my mom and a little more trusted by my dad. It is true that at my dad's house I did walk to school and was allowed to ride my bike all over the place until dark and I did ride my skateboard and bike without a helmet and down really steep hills.
Now as a parent I am probably way too cautious. I do let my kids ride the bus and most of the time walk home from the bus stop, but the bus stop is only one house away. I let them play outside, but only in the backyard and it is fenced and I am secretly checking on them about every 20 minutes. When they want to ride bikes in the neighborhood I go with them. If they want to play with a friend that isn't right next door, I walk them over. I don't allow them to have sleep overs. I am afraid to take them camping because of weirdoes and wild animals. So I guess I am in the helicopter camp. I don't like them to play at a friend's house if only the dad is at home. I teach my children what to do if they do get lost, they know their phone number, etc., and what types of people to go to for help (a mom with kids, someone with a name tag (preferably a lady). I wish I could be more of a free-ranger, but my childhood was a little more like a series of unfortunate events than little women.
Is the world a scarier place than when we were kids?
What do you all think? What type of parent are you?
6 comments:
I think I am definately more of the helicopter type than the free range type. I try to give my kids as much freedom as possible, but I ALWAYS know where they are and what they're doing and who they're with. I am very picky about them going inside anyone's house (she's not allowed if I don't know them well) and I am definately a "stay in the backyard" kinda mom. It's fenced and she can stay out all day as long as she doesn't leave the back yard. Sleepovers are okay (preferably at MY house) but only if I know the family VERY VERY well- like relatives mostly). I would definately NOT let her ride public transit alone (probably not until at least 15 or 16 years old and depending on how big & busy the city is). I tend to be more protective, I think. But I read news stories all the time about things that happen to kids and it's usually becuse the parents aren't as involved as they should be (like not establishing boundaries). I think the world really is more scary than it was when we were little. I am always worrying about my kids- even at school. Sometimes I even go check on them in the middle of the night for no reason.
by the way- whoa crazy childhood! It's a miracle that you turned out so well- and normal. My mom always threatened to leave us by the side of the road for fighting in the car, and she even slowed down a few times, but deep down I always knew she would never go through with it. My childhood was as traditional as they get- and I can't imagine what it must have been like for you. I'm glad you're committed to giving your kids a traditional, structured, loving childhood. Way to go!
Thanks, my friend who works with a lot of troubled youth has told me that statistically I should have turned out with a drug or alcohol addiction and possibly a prostitute. So I do feel really blessed that things in my life are pretty great. I have sisters that really struggle still with our upbringing. I really must give credit to my close friends that I had in high school. It is a shame that we don't stay in touch anymore further than Christmas cards. Their friendship and example as well as the time I spent with their normal families really helped me see what I wanted for my own family in the future.
Opal*Q - I'm sorry that your parents couldn't find a happier medium in their parenting styles. My dad was super-overprotective and my mother often made up rules on the spot, so we could never do anything right. Their parenting has certainly contributed to a lot of problems in my life.
Some of my better childhood memories of home were with my housekeeper. She would watch us from the time we got home from school until my dad got home from work (there were long stretches when my mom did not live with us). She had four teenage daughters and had lost a lot of her parental angst. Provided she knew where we were and who we were with, it was ok. I spent a lot of time running around our cul-de-sac with the neighborhood kids.
Recently, Headbanger, Flashlight and I moved to a quieter area with lots of young families. Both Flashlight and I wanted to be able to raise our kids in a safer free-range way and we believe that the conditions in our neighborhood will allow us to do that. I want to be very involved with my children, but I also want to give them some space.
Opal, with all due respect, your mom sounds a little crazy. Don't you wish you could scoop up that little girl out of the cane field and take her home and give her something yummy and read her a story?
I wouldn't say you're an extreme helicopter, just a sensible one. Your kids are happy, snuggly, well-adjust little people so you must be doing something right.
I wonder if the number of abductions going down is due to the rise in the number of helicopter parents? Ah, it's fun to play with numbers.
I think I fall somewhere in between Free-range and helicopter. I love to see my children handle something independently and to watch the exhilaration they feel when they've done it. At the same time, none of them have ever gone to someone's home that I didn't know well and trust. They would never dream of just wandering into a house in the neighborhood.
I am so much more tuned in to my kids than my parents were to me. I'm not sure if that's for better or for worse sometimes. I think my parents were pretty great, for the most part. I do know that my children and I connect and trust each other more and know each other better. That feels good.
I try not to pay too much attention to the sensationalized news stories. They make me feel afraid. I don't think fear is a good motivator for anything.
Yeah, my mom is a little crazy. And I only mostly told my own stories. Weird, bad stuff happened to everyone else too. But maybe I should give a little background on my mom. Her dad abandoned her and her mom when she was only a month old. Then because of her mom's financial situation she was sent to live with various relatives. Then her dad came back when she was fourteen and took her to America. She thought she would be living with him, but ended up in a foster home (a really great one, they treated her like she was their own daughter so it was the best thing at the time). Anyway, and I think her dad turned out to be gay. I know that was a ton of sharing, but I think that there is always something that drives someone to craziness. It doesn't just happen out of the blue. Thank goodness for Beau Brummel and his family and the few members of my family who are still relatively sane. Perhaps I would be crazy too if I hadn't chosen wisely at certain crossroads in my life. I think I am crazy, but in the fun and spunky sense, not the nuthouse variety.
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